Despedidas

I want to tell you, I am sad to leave Chile, but all good things must come to an end. Or, ok, I'm really sad, but it's all part of the experience and I need to break out of my cocoon at some point. Or even, I mean, I have a full life in front of me to live and I will definitely see these people again. And then I would smile at you with an expression like, "let's just not think about it right now". 

But I can't even pretend. This is probably one of the absolute worst days of my life. Because now that It's already happened, I can't actually believe that I will not see my best friends, my best fucking friends (or soon my family) for at least 2 years if I get lucky. They have seen me go through so much, and we have been through so much, and they are the only ones who really know me now.

I am so afraid. I have to go back and try to be me but how can I do that? No one is going to understand any weird chilean jokes, or why we did some of the awesome shit we did here. No one is going to understand why I love reggaeton and Lukas Graham so much. I want to make the best of it. I want to happy about seeing my family, my friends and South Bend. But the words leave a dry taste in my mouth. I love you all but I don't want to go back. I love my family here. I love my friends and 

I love smoggy Temuco. I love my host mom's porotos. I love being able to eat lunch with my friends every day at school. Staying would be worth it even if I have to take semester tests. I love that I can hang out every weekend with people in the mall... I love my life, here.

oh god. There are so many people that a care about so much here. And so many things. 

What will I do? I know you'll say "keep on breathing, Willow." And I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I really don't know. This is really fucking hard.