Now is The Good

After my last blog post, I realized that it really must seem like my life really sucks all the time. Some youth exchange ambassador I am! So, first I just wanted you to know that my life is pretty good most of the time. But when it's good, it just feels normal. But when I'm having a bad day, I feel the urge to document my sorrow. For what reason? I'm not really sure. 

So, even though I find myself in the heat of the end of the semester, with upcoming finals and miles of homework, I found myself enjoying this week quite a lot. I seem to be getting back into the groove of things. My friends laugh at things I find funny, and I don't feel left out of the loop. They're sweet. And actually, I find myself enjoying the full swing of school and full IB. It's hard, but it's also engaging. My classes are far more interesting than anything that I've had in a while. I'm a nerd, and it's a lost cause, but I really like school at the moment. 

It's also nice to be home. Do I miss Chile? Yes. of course. But do I wish I wasn't here, in the place I've spent now almost 16 of my 17 years in? Watching the snow fall down and being in control of almost my entire life? With traditions I understand now more than ever? No, I don't. It's nice to be back. 

I had a presentation for my Rotary Club this past Wednesday. It went well. Here's the link to the powerpoint I used below. 

https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1tbAwNKyye0lauQL94fwTbjmoyqAqOw4BEmOyHl8gXms/edit?usp=sharing 

The Irrational

I was working on my presentation for my Rotary club here in South Bend, and I looked up my Chilean district to try and find pictures. I found YEP, which is what they call RYE there, and I looked and I saw photos of us, the district's exchange students.

Only when I clicked the picture to see it up close and to download it, I realized that those faces staring back at me were not the ones I knew. They were not us. They were the next group. The people there now. Which makes perfect sense, why would they not be the people on the website? They've been there for like half a year.

However, I had the sudden urge to cry. I guess it just hit me that it's over. You know? Like its actually over. And it's been over. The world has kept spinning. I'm glad that there are new kids who have the opportunity to experience what we did... but these last few months have just seemed like a continuation of my exchange. I'm doing something else for awhile, and then I'll go back. Back to Chile. And all my exchange friends will be waiting in Chile for me. Barely having aged a day.
But, like, I just realized that that's not true. They're all at home. Living their lives, and having their own culture shocks, in their own countries. Changing, and growing, and it'll never be the same. I'll never be in Patagonia jumping on a boat, or watching the sunset on Easter Island. I'll never be with all those losers again.

But duh, Willow.
That's a stupid thought. Why would you just expect the world to freeze and wait for your return???
Time goes on and you're only an ant trying to keep up with it.

But some part inside of me is extremely irrational. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop it from thinking otherwise.

Consolation

I hadn't talked to my host family in a while. I'm one of those millennials who has a phobia of taking on the phone. I occasionally would just text my host mom or my host sister. But my beautiful, beautiful host sister calls me with messenger, and then she calls me again when I don't answer, and then she calls me again. Usually I just hang up and text her, but I decided on like her fourth try to answer. 

And oooh her voice! It was so good to hear her sweet voice. With its fast paced, Chilean accent, and the way it brings back so many memories. 

I miss her so much. I miss Chile. I miss all those other people from the life I led half way across the globe. Sometimes it feels like I was scooped up out of the Midwest and plopped down in Chile. Then scooped out of Chile and back into the Midwest. Leaving a hole. Like a transplanted plant. O algo simular. I have a role as a nerdy American student. A sister. A family member. And another as a gringa chilena. An ambassador. A friend. I can't fill both my roles at the same time, but when I'm talking to Camilla and doing Spanish homework simultaneously, I feel pretty damn close. And it's a good feeling to have. 

untitled

Life is hard, but it is also good. I have good days, and I have bad days, and I have ok days (which are most days). My last post was from a bad day, so I mainly just wanted to clarify that not all of my days are that kind of day. I do struggle with finding my own identity. It becomes especially challenging in a place where everyone knows me. It's not that they only know the "old me", it's not like no one is trying, I'm just saying that they knew me before I went on exchange, and they know me now.

Ok, I'm doing a really bad job of explaining this aren't I? Well, in Chile, I had to try to be myself in a place where I knew no one, and no one knew me, and I didn't know how I was supposed to act, nor did I have any experience with how it should go. That was pretty damn hard. But it's almost harder now that I find myself trying to do the same thing in a place where just about everyone knows me, I know just about everyone, and I should, after living 15 of my 16 years of life here, know how things work and what I should be doing.

Well, this post has been a rather interesting one, and I apologize if you read it hoping for something of a glacier moving quality. But, I'm going to publish it anyway because... documentation.

yeah.

but you know what?
life is ok. And I can live with ok.

"Ignorance is Bliss"

These are not the glamorous days.
The glory days.
The days you can later tell someone about.
That time you lived in Chile is not now.

These are the afterthought.
The long days.
We weren’t prepared for these days.
We were prepared for those days.
We were ready.
Now we are not.

They said it would happen.
I believed.
But it’s always different in the light
The dark is darker in the light of today

Summer was better than summers before
Now old skin is too small
What is this culture that is mine?
This teacher is not my kind of teacher.
These friends are not my type of people.
This family, this house, are still mine,
But that is all.

Same old is not so the same.

Who am I?
Ignorance is bliss.
This is the result of a lack thereof.

Finding Beauty in the Everyday

On the way to a cross country race I realised that Indiana is beautiful. When the sun shone through the trees, I could see the miles and miles of dappled countryside. It's green, lush, welcoming, and it's home. Of all the places I have been over the past year, that corn filled stretch in the middle of nowhere Indiana was the most gorgeous. Even though I've been having some tough times lately, right then I felt so at peace with myself and with the world. It was 7:47 in the morning Saturday, and it just felt sooooo good to be alive. {deep breath} Going to Chile has made me appreciate my simple, Midwest life so much more. I love Chile with all my heart, but I have the privilege to live the way I did again. Same high school. Same people. Same family. Same town. I'm not living it over again. Although to a certain extent it does feel like that sometimes. I just face old problems with a new understanding of life. A new zealous. I feel older and more mature. I find that many of the old problems that plagued my life seem trivial, and easily fixable. I am so grateful for the opportunity I was given to go abroad, despite what I might tell you otherwise, and it's good to be alive. (And that Hamilton song plays on queue "the greatest city in the world... History is Happening!... aren't you happy to be alive right now?! Look around, look around!")

Safe and Sound

Well, It's been about a month since I got back to the states. And if you have not actually seen me in person since I got on the plane to come home, you were probably wondering if I had actually made it back alive, or if they had even been able to drag me onto the plane. Even if you have seen me you might be wondering that. So here I am, one month late. :)

It's been a pretty chill but whirlwind of a month. It's hard to believe that a month ago I was saying goodbye to my chilean friends and not even a month ago, crying over my chilean family. It was hard to say bye to everyone. I knew I would miss them, and I do. But mostly, in typical Willow fashion, the girl that needs backup plans for her backup plans, I just went a dash bit crazy upon realizing that I didn't know what I would face next. They say that if you never leave your comfort zone and get out of your box, you'll never discover all the wonders that the world has to offer. But, if you never leave your safe and cozy box, you probably won't die a sudden and painful death either. However, now I can safely say that taking the 1st step into becoming a butterfly was good, pleasant, and necessary.

Getting back has been somewhat bizarre but smoother than I had racked it up to be. I settled into a familiar family routine (besides the fact that I now share my space with two young teenagers). Oh. And when I say a "familiar family routine" I mean that it's basically the same thing that I left here 10 months ago. Not that it's at all simular to my chilean family life. Because it's not. I also have started cross country practice again and have been pleasantly startled that my year of... ehem, "rest" was less detrimental to my running life than I had dreamed. And in cross country I have found a haven of reliable teenage friends who faithfully wake up at 5:30 am with me to run, and who I can count on for a good dose of people my age and the conversation they bring.
I have also started, and ended, my first session of American History summer school. Which has been faithful in both it's boringness, and simplicity as well as a nice warm up into writing in english and paying attention in class. Xb

This all sounds like returning has been a cake walk so far, and it really hasn't been that bad, but it's not all been cake and ice cream. Like trying to transfer into how to be a teenager (something I have always struggled with) in the over exuberant and dramatic culture of the US. Not being able to lean my head on my friends' shoulder without getting a funny look. No kissing on the cheeks. The closeness of chilean culture is probably what I miss most. Oh well that and the bread. :)

Despedidas

I want to tell you, I am sad to leave Chile, but all good things must come to an end. Or, ok, I'm really sad, but it's all part of the experience and I need to break out of my cocoon at some point. Or even, I mean, I have a full life in front of me to live and I will definitely see these people again. And then I would smile at you with an expression like, "let's just not think about it right now". 

But I can't even pretend. This is probably one of the absolute worst days of my life. Because now that It's already happened, I can't actually believe that I will not see my best friends, my best fucking friends (or soon my family) for at least 2 years if I get lucky. They have seen me go through so much, and we have been through so much, and they are the only ones who really know me now.

I am so afraid. I have to go back and try to be me but how can I do that? No one is going to understand any weird chilean jokes, or why we did some of the awesome shit we did here. No one is going to understand why I love reggaeton and Lukas Graham so much. I want to make the best of it. I want to happy about seeing my family, my friends and South Bend. But the words leave a dry taste in my mouth. I love you all but I don't want to go back. I love my family here. I love my friends and 

I love smoggy Temuco. I love my host mom's porotos. I love being able to eat lunch with my friends every day at school. Staying would be worth it even if I have to take semester tests. I love that I can hang out every weekend with people in the mall... I love my life, here.

oh god. There are so many people that a care about so much here. And so many things. 

What will I do? I know you'll say "keep on breathing, Willow." And I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I really don't know. This is really fucking hard. 

Caves and Dancing- Easter Island Day 4

this is our tour guide.

this beach is hella cool.
It has pink sand.

here's Anakena again. <3

later that night we went to a traditional Rapa Nui dance and dinner

they painted our faces
& we got to try mango sour
(with rotary permission of course ;) ) 

they cooked all the meat for dinner in this hole in the ground

this was my dinner.
so yummy!
and we had watermelon juice with ginger. mmmm

this is like a banana bread that was the dessert.
this one is a very fancy version, but they sell it cheep in the street

here are the dancers

jajajajja